It’s been SO long since I’ve been on here…
…”How long has it been?”
It’s been so long since I’ve been on here that the last post I wrote was about how bad the Dodgers were. Imagine that. Add that to the fact that my domain name was about to expire and what do you get? One sad, neglected website.
I thought the best way to approach this would be to quickly run through everything that has happened in the sports world over the last few months. OK…everything I choose to discuss…but still. My last post was in late May (Yikes) so we have a lot to cover.
Hokay. Let’s begin.
The Heat won the NBA title again. Not really news. Not even back in June when it happened. As much as I was hoping any team but the Heat would win it all, I had pretty much given up that dream about the same time I realized how awful the Lakers were…which was pretty early on. There were a few minutes when I convinced myself that the Spurs could pull off the upset, but then I remembered that I wouldn’t feel even the slightest bit different if they did, so I went back to watching the Dodgers blow another late lead.
Dwight Howard walked away from the Lakers and history and guaranteed money and dignity and expectations to play for some small-town team in Texas. This wasn’t really news either – it just confirmed everything we already thought about D12: (1) He hates being #2, (2) he loves attention, (3) he isn’t good at handling pressure, (4) he doesn’t want to pay California taxes, (5) he still loves attention. So now the Lakers are at a crossroads as an organization, and I’m not too sure what their plans are. I was convinced they were accepting the notion that tanking was the best route and rebuilding through the lottery was the way to go, but then something happened. The Lakers started signing some decent players. Like Nick Young decent. Like Chris Kaman decent. Like Wes Johnson decent. Like…Jordan…Farmar decent. Not players that will win you a ring – just players that will help you hover around .500 and kill your shot at a top pick in the 2014 draft. In Mitch we trust.
Aaron Hernandez decided he was such good friends with Rob Gronkowski that he would do everything in his power to make his former tight end counterpart look like a golden boy – and that’s no easy task…unless you have access to murder weapons…and have no conscious. While Gronk was busy drunkenly suplexing his friends at a rager while recovering from multiple surgeries, Hernandez was murdering people for talking to dudes he didn’t like. Well played, Gronk. You aren’t the worst human being on the Patriots roster.
Ryan Braun finally admitted that he is better at being a douchebag than he is at lying. “But we should forgive him right? That was so brave of him to come out and tell the truth!” F*&# that! This guy is a grade-A sack. He has the nerve to say that this whole process has been hard on his family?! What about the family of the poor guy you accused of hanging out with your piss for a weekend? Not only did you change his life forever and make him look like he was terrible at his job, but countless people thought he was a freak who spent his Friday night having heart-to-heart conversations with a cup of your urine instead of shipping it to the lab. And what about all of your friends and teammates that believed you when you looked them in the eye and told them you didn’t do it? And let’s not forget that you publicly stated that you would be willing to bet your life those substances didn’t enter your body. And worst of all…YOU LET AARON RODGERS DOWN! Nobody lets Aaron Rodgers down and gets away with it. Well nobody other than Jermichael Finley, but NOBODY else. Ryan Braun – you sir, are a pile of lukewarm garbage. A lifetime ban sounds good to me.
Meanwhile, the rest of Major League Baseball is like, “Uhhh, I’ll just keep playing until someone tells me I’m suspended. Cool?”
Puigmania hit Hollywood. The Cuban sensation got called up to the big show and gave the Dodgers exactly what they needed. Someone who gets thrown out easily when he has no business trying to take the extra base. Someone who tries to do too much at the wrong time. OK, so the kid is raw. That being said…he also has the raw power of…a Guy on a Buffalo (Google it). Puig has provided the Dodgers with energy and has taken a lot of pressure off some of the other stars in LA. He is a big reason the Dodgers have put together one of the most impressive hot streaks in Dodger history. He certainly isn’t the only reason for their play of late (See: Ramirez, Hanley), but he has been a big part of it.
Speaking of the Dodgers…
Brian Wilson signed with the Dodgers. I’m really not sure how I feel about this. The Dodgers undoubtedly need bullpen help to solidify their playoff chances. Is Wilson the guy? Who knows. I hope he comes in and dominates in a setup role but honestly, after seeing what his signing has done to Giants fans, he could never wear a Los Angeles jersey and I would be perfectly satisfied with his time as a Dodger. Well done, Mr. Beard.
And then Riley Cooper happened. I don’t even know what to say about this guy. All I know is that I would NOT want to be him. Good luck regaining the trust of your teammates after pulling a stunt like that! Nobody buys the whole ‘Sorry I got caught’ thing. When your apology comes out along with the video – a month after it happened – it’s not the most sincere. And now you are sooooo sorry about what you’ve done and you are going to start therapy because you need to find out how you could have possibly done something so terrible. Not buying it. You’re just an idiot. Your best bet now is to change up your look and start over in the Canadian Football League. Just hope nobody recognizes you and keep your mouth shut.
Now back to the important stuff…If you haven’t seen Guy on a Buffalo…check it out right now.